I am so scared to even use the word Mental Health, seeing how often it is used as crutch for a plethora of excused behavior. But in all honestly I have really been forced to focus on my mental health. It’s one thing to have the outside workings in order. I find it easier to manage my surroundings. A little fixing here, a little cleaning there, work, maintenance, repeat. Only then I’m left sitting with myself, and my thoughts. No other distractions but  the loud persistent voice in my head or my conscious I should say. ( I don’t wanna tread the thin line of progressive and mentally ill too closely🤭) I mean come on we all have an introspective mind some of us ignore it, others can’t. 

At times I fall into the category of ignoring my introspective thoughts choosing to focus on what needs to be done and the good part-living my life. I understand, it’s important not to put too much emphasis to your thoughts otherwise you get lost and confused with reality vs ‘thought’.

In more recent day, I’ve realized how frequent I have been disassociating from my feelings. I have been placing them in a compartment to be visited sometime in the future. Perhaps when I’m PMSing or angry at the world and want to let off steam. And that, that is not healthy, my friends. I know what you’re thinking no one wants  a person around that’s super emotional and feels EVERYTHING however it’s important to prioritize the moment and all the feelings in it. 

Case & Point: All week I’ve been feeling off track from my goals. While, yes I’m working- I have a job. The questions I had to ask myself is; Does it align with what I really want out of life? How am I getting closer to where I need to be? The days kept passing. I didn’t express this sentiment to anyone I didn’t write it down. I didn’t scream with frustration. (I may have played some DMX- ‘What these Bitches Want’) 😏

Honestly, I wasn’t living in the present I wasn’t being honest with myself and acknowledging my feelings. 

Days of neglecting myself can turn into weeks, weeks of ignoring my feelings turns into months & you get the memo. At any rate, moving like this leads to RESENTMENT, REGRET, ANGER, and FRUSTRATION. 

That’s what I have inside of me right now because of years of ignoring my emotions. 

When I went on a spiritual journey I thought that was my way of erasing and easing the pain. You know the Bible talks about ‘becoming new’ ‘fitting into the mold of Christ’. Honestly it felt good to tap into an altruistic mentality. It was hard to worry about my feelings when there’s bigger problems in the world ( like people not believing in God) or just keeping busy replacing my thoughts with Gods message in the Bible. Even then, there was still wounds, trauma, and an uneasiness in my spirit that wasn’t being handled appropriately.  

By all means taking a spiritual journey FIRST has really helped me to understand A LOT about life. It has even allowed me to understand not everything is personal because we ALL suffer. It’s embedded in our DNA. I learned to think positive. I learned to be disciplined. I could go on and on about what I learned. 😄 

Instead what I’m taking this moment to focus on is; the vocalizing, expressing, and navigating through whatever feelings I have. To me this means-Allowing myself to not feel shame because I’m vulnerable. Giving myself the space to feel what needs to be felt for the moment only. Those decisions that I make that completely disregard my feelings won’t be happening anymore. At the end of the day, I can make the excuse and say it was my upbringing it was my relationships, it was my environment, it was my struggle but NO. This is my life! My life has everything to do with prioritizing my feelings and desires. 

You might wonder why I’m even thinking of this all of a sudden…..

The Why? Because I have a kid! He’s looking after me. He’s watching and interpreting everything that I do. Even the things I think he may not understand I know he does. Kids are so intuitive and literally sponges. The last thing I want for my son is to be someone who people pleases. lashes out- out of frustration, disconnects from his feelings, or even live a life that doesn’t align with his most authentic self. He deserves better than that! He is a reflection of myself that will have to thrive in the future world on his own. In fact, I am raising a leader, someone who will help others pick themselves up and prioritize their wellbeing.🖤

Does anyone else relate to not prioritizing their mental health until it’s hard to ignore or too late 🤣?

Hmm…. I maybe thinking about things too much 🙄🤭